Hello

When anxiety shows up before an important conversation, presentation, interview, or decision, you don’t have to wait for it to disappear before you move forward.

There is a particular moment that many high-achieving people know very well.

You have an important presentation tomorrow.

A difficult conversation is coming.

You are preparing for an interview.

You are about to walk into a meeting where your ideas will be evaluated.

And suddenly, your attention turns inward.

What if I freeze?

What if I make a mistake?

What if they notice that I am nervous?

What if I am not good enough?

You may tell yourself:

“I just need to calm down.”

But what if calming down doesn’t have to be the first goal?

What if the more useful question is:

“If anxiety did not have to disappear before I moved forward, what would I want to do next?”

That small change in language can create a very different direction.

When your mental energy is consumed by fighting anxiety, monitoring yourself, and trying to prevent something from going wrong, there may be less attention available for the task, relationship, opportunity, or life you actually care about. Avoidance can also provide immediate relief, which can unintentionally reinforce the habit of avoiding what feels threatening.

So maybe the goal isn’t:

“How do I get rid of anxiety?”

Maybe the more useful question is:

“What do I want to move toward, even while anxiety is here?”

Anxiety Is Not Always the Opposite of Courage

Think about the last time your heart was beating quickly before something important.

Your body may have been preparing you for action.

Your breathing changed.

Your muscles became activated.

Your heart started working harder.

Your attention became more focused.

And your mind may have interpreted all of this as:

“Something is wrong.”

But physiological arousal does not automatically tell you what a situation means.

Research on stress reappraisal suggests that changing how we interpret physiological arousal can influence how we respond to stressful situations (Jamieson et al., 2013).

This gives you another possibility.

Instead of:

“My heart is racing. I am losing control.”

You might experiment with:

“My body is preparing me to participate.”

Instead of:

“I am anxious, so I am not ready.”

Try:

“Anxiety is here, and I can still take the next step.”

Notice what happens.

You aren’t arguing with your body.

You aren’t demanding that anxiety disappear.

You are simply giving your experience another possible meaning.

And meaning matters.

One of the most powerful ways we can influence our attention is through the questions we repeatedly ask ourselves.

Consider the difference between:

“How do I stop failing?”

and

“What would successful participation look like?”

Or:

“How do I stop being anxious?”

versus:

“How would I like to show up while anxiety is present?”

Or:

“What if everything goes wrong?”

versus:

“What is one thing I would like to remember when pressure rises?”

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy intentionally directs attention toward preferred futures, resources, exceptions, and progress rather than keeping the conversation entirely organized around the problem. Recent research continues to support SFBT as a useful approach across a range of psychosocial concerns, although the strength of evidence varies by outcome and population (Vermeulen-Oskam et al., 2024; Żak & Pękala, 2025).

This doesn’t mean pretending that problems don’t exist.

It means refusing to allow the problem to become the only story.

The next time you hear yourself say:

“I hope I don’t freeze during the presentation.”

Pause.

Ask yourself:

“If I don’t want to freeze, what do I want instead?”

Then ask:

“If I am breathing, what might that allow me to do?”

“Listen.”

“And if I am listening, how would I like to show up?”

“Present. Curious. Grounded.”

Now something has shifted.

You have moved from fighting an unwanted experience toward constructing a desired experience.

This is an important distinction in motivation research: approach-oriented goals direct attention toward a desired state, whereas avoidance goals organize attention around preventing an unwanted state (Fishbach, 2022).

You are no longer asking:

“How can I make sure anxiety doesn’t happen?”

You are asking:

“How do I want to participate in this moment?”

That question gives you direction to go.

Here is a question worth sitting with:

What if confidence is not the entrance requirement for action?

What if confidence sometimes develops because you acted?

You can experience anxiety and still move toward something meaningful.

You can experience uncertainty and still make a decision.

You can experience self-doubt and still speak.

You can feel uncomfortable and still stay.

You can notice the thought “I might fail” without treating that thought as an instruction.

This is closely aligned with the ACT concept of psychological flexibility: making room for difficult internal experiences while continuing to behave in ways that are connected to personally meaningful values.

Instead of:

“I feel anxious, therefore I shouldn’t do this.”

You can practice:

“I notice anxiety, and I am choosing what matters anyway.”

The anxiety does not have to disappear for your choice to become available.

Before an important moment, take a few quiet minutes.

If it feels comfortable, close your eyes.

Imagine that tomorrow’s important moment has already arrived.

See the room.

Notice the lighting.

Notice the sounds around you.

Feel your feet connected with the floor.

Notice your breathing.

And now imagine that anxiety is present.

You don’t need to remove it.

Simply notice:

“There is that familiar energy.”

Allow one breath.

Let your attention move outward.

Imagine yourself looking at the person speaking to you.

Listening.

Pausing.

Thinking.

Responding.

You don’t need to imagine yourself becoming perfectly calm.

Instead, imagine yourself becoming more willing, more present, and more engaged.

See yourself taking the next small action.

Then another.

Then another.

Let your mind rehearse not the absence of anxiety, but your ability to move with anxiety.

Mental imagery and episodic future thinking can help people construct detailed representations of possible future experiences, although it is important not to overstate what this means at the neural level (Schacter & Madore, 2016).

The goal isn’t to convince yourself that everything will go perfectly.

The goal is to become more familiar with the possibility:

“I can experience this and still participate.”

Now ask yourself:

“Suppose if you were already slightly more able to handle pressure. What is the first small thing you would notice?”

Maybe:

“I would stop checking whether I feel anxious.”

Maybe:

“I would get out of bed instead of rehearsing everything that could go wrong.”

Maybe:

“I would prepare my presentation and then allow myself to stop preparing.”

Maybe:

“I would walk into the room instead of waiting until I feel completely ready.”

Stay with that small detail.

Then ask:

“What would I do differently because I noticed that?”

And:

“What might another person notice about me?”

And:

“What would that make possible?”

These questions bring you from abstract intention into observable action.

You aren’t being asked to become an entirely different person.

You are looking for the smallest signs of the person you want to become that may already be present.Look Back Before You Look Forward

There is another question worth asking:

“When have I done something difficult before while part of me was afraid?”

Maybe you gave a presentation.

Maybe you moved to a new city.

Maybe you had a difficult conversation.

Maybe you started again after failure.

Maybe you walked into a room where you didn’t know what would happen.

Maybe nobody applauded.

Maybe nobody even noticed.

But you did it.

That matters.

Solution-focused practice deliberately searches for exceptions and existing resources—moments when some part of the preferred future is already happening.

So ask yourself:

“What did I do then that I could borrow now?”

Not copy.

Borrow.

Perhaps you borrowed patience.

Perhaps preparation.

Perhaps humor.

Perhaps persistence.

Perhaps the courage to ask for help.

Perhaps you simply kept going.

Your history may contain more evidence of your capacity than your anxious mind remembers when it is under pressure.

For many high achievers, anxiety becomes especially painful when performance quietly becomes connected to identity.

A presentation becomes:

“Am I intelligent enough?”

An interview becomes:

“Am I good enough?”

A mistake becomes:

“Maybe I am not capable.”

But an event can provide information about an event.

It does not automatically provide a complete verdict about a human being.

Your performance is something you do.

It is not the totality of who you are.

You can care deeply about an outcome without asking that outcome to determine your worth.

You can want the successful presentation without needing the presentation to prove that you are intelligent.

You can want the opportunity without needing the opportunity to validate your existence.

You are allowed to care deeply about your goals without making those goals responsible for proving that you are enough.

Before an important performance, meeting, interview, or difficult conversation, try this:

1. Notice

“What am I experiencing right now?”

No judgment.

Just notice.

2. Choose the direction

“What do I want instead?”

Not “What do I want to stop?”

What do you want to move toward?

3. Connect with meaning

“Why does this matter to me?”

Let yourself remember the value underneath the goal.

4. Remember your resources

“When have I handled something difficult before?”

Find one piece of evidence from your own life.

5. Rehearse

Imagine yourself taking the next step while anxiety is present.

See it.

Hear it.

Feel your feet.

Imagine yourself responding rather than reacting.

6. Act

Then ask:

“What is the smallest meaningful action I can take in the next five minutes?”

And do that.

Not the entire staircase.

Just the next step.

What If Anxiety Comes With You?

Perhaps this is the most important idea I want to leave with you.

You do not have to win an argument with anxiety before you begin living.

You do not have to eliminate every uncomfortable sensation.

You do not have to guarantee success.

You do not have to become fearless.

You can carry some uncertainty.

You can carry some adrenaline.

You can carry the thought that you might fail.

And still walk toward the door.

Still make the call.

Still submit the proposal.

Still have the conversation.

Still raise your hand.

Still take the opportunity.

Still begin.

Because courage is not necessarily the absence of an anxious response.

Sometimes courage is the moment when you notice the anxious response…

take one breath…

remember what matters…

and move anyway.

So the next time anxiety asks:

“What if something goes wrong?”

You might gently answer:

“Perhaps. And what do I want to do if it does?”

Then ask:

“And what do I want to do if it goes well?”

And perhaps most importantly:

“Who do I want to be while I find out?”

That is where your choice begins.

Not after anxiety disappears.

Now.

Before you finish reading, choose one thing you have been postponing because you have been waiting to feel more certain.

Don’t promise yourself that you will complete everything.

Choose one small action.

One email.

One application.

One conversation.

One paragraph.

One phone call.

One meeting.

One five-minute beginning.

And before you do it, quietly tell yourself:

“I don’t need to feel completely ready. I only need to be willing to take the next step.”

Then take it.

Your anxiety may come with you.

Let it.

You are still moving.

If anxiety were no longer responsible for deciding what you do next, what would you begin doing differently this week?

And if you already know the answer…

what is one small step you could take today?

Sometimes change does not begin when fear disappears.

Sometimes it begins when you decide that fear no longer gets to choose the direction.

References

Beaty, R. E., Benedek, M., Silvia, P. J., & Schacter, D. L. (2016). Creative cognition and brain network dynamics. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 20(2), 87–95. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.10.004

Fishbach, A. (2022). Get it done: Surprising lessons from the science of motivation. Little, Brown Spark.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2004). The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 359(1449), 1367–1377. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2004.1512

Jamieson, J. P., Mendes, W. B., & Nock, M. K. (2013). Improving acute stress responses: The power of reappraisal. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(1), 51–56. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721412461500

Koorankot, J., Rajan, S. K., & Ashraf, Z. A. (2019). Solution-focused versus problem-focused questions: Effects on electrophysiological states and affective experiences. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 38(2), 64–78. https://doi.org/10.1521/jsyt.2019.38.1.64

Schacter, D. L., & Madore, K. P. (2016). Remembering the past and imagining the future: Identifying and enhancing the contribution of episodic memory. Memory Studies, 9(3), 245–255. https://doi.org/10.1177/1750698016645230

Snyder, C. R. (2002). Hope theory: Rainbows in the mind. Psychological Inquiry, 13(4), 249–275.

Vermeulen-Oskam, E., Franklin, C., van ’t Hof, L. P. M., Stams, G. J. J. M., van Vugt, E. S., Assink, M., Veltman, E. J., Froerer, A. S., Staaks, J. P. C., & Zhang, A. (2024). The current evidence of solution-focused brief therapy: A meta-analysis of psychosocial outcomes and moderating factors. Clinical Psychology Review, 114, 102512. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102512

Walker, C. R., Froerer, A. S., & Gourlay-Fernandez, N. (2022). The value of using emotions in solution focused brief therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(2), 1254–1275. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12551

Żak, A. M., & Pękala, K. (2025). Effectiveness of solution-focused brief therapy: An umbrella review of systematic reviews and meta-analyses. Psychotherapy Research, 35(7), 1043–1055. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2024.2406540

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